Northgate Baptist Church
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine:"(Prov. 17:22)
Northgate Baptist ChurchWhat Should A Parent Do?
I. Stop Overlooking or De-Emphasizing A Problem.
A. There are many parents who it is Virtually Impossible To Get Involved.
1. They see their child's acting up as only a School Problem.
2. "If he were only away from his friends and under closer supervision."
3. They Shrug Off Their Responsibility for taking any action --- they are as powerless as the school.
B. Some parents believe that their child's temper tantrums, stealing, and fighting are part of a "phase of development."
1. If it is, it is a phase of development that Never Ends.
2. It is Essential that parents "take seriously" youthful thefts and not dismiss them as "pranks" or Harmless Behavior that a child will outgrow.
3. Parents must learn to view lying and stealing As Serious.
C. Overlooking or de-emphasizing a problem does a Disservice To The Child.
1. If it is ignored, the pattern is likely to Become Entrenched and thus More Difficult To Deal With Later.
2. Although most parents are quick to condemn stealing, some fail to take the matter seriously when Their Own Child Is Involved.
3. They reason that all kids do this at one time or another --- "Boys Will Be Boys".
D. Many times, parents are "Not Involved Enough With The Child To Accurately Observe His or Her Behavior."
1. Many may Lack Effective Child Management Skills.
2. Others Deny that there is Genuine Cause For Concern.
3. Some hope that this behavior, like so much else, will Disappear of Its Own Accord --- the passage of time and maturation will eradicate any potential problems.
4. Some fathers, even consider it Admirable that his child Stands Up For Himself and Refuses To Let Others Push Him Around.
5. They view it as a Favorable Sign that their son wants to be His Own Person.
II. Be Firm And Consistent --- Don't Take The Easy Way Out.
A. The anti-social child is not usually alone in taking the easy way out of a situation.
1. The Parent who says yes when he needs to be firm and say no is also taking the easy way out.
2. Proverbs 13:24, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
3. It is hard for a parent who Wants His Child's Love and respect to find himself constantly Opposing The Child's Wishes and having to endure His Mounting Resentment.
B. Pediatrician Virginia Pomeranz defines "Discipline" as:
"establishing and enforcing a set of rules to which you expect you child to adhere, in order to make him or her a civilized creature with whom both you and others will be able to live."
C. Pomeranz observes, "children who are raised Permissively, emerge into adult life with a Strong Sense of Insecurity, of being Unloved and Uncared for."
1. Some parents believe that children should be "Free Spirits."
2. To impose obligations or requirements will place an Unfair Burden on their child and Deprive Him of His Childhood.
3. However, this Failure To Set Limits may have Disastrous Results.
4. Such a child may later find it Difficult To Become Self-Disciplined.
D. Such Permissiveness may occur as a result of Indifference or Neglect --- more often it results from a parents Misjudging the Maturity or Character of His Child.
1. Granting him More Freedom than the child is Prepared To Handle.
2. Crediting him with More Common Sense and Self-Discipline than was commensurate with His Maturity or Judgment.
E. Sometimes parents fail to say no because they are so Wrapped Up In Their Own Commitments and activities that they Don't Become Involved in the Details of their child's life.
1. They do not meet the Child's Teachers or his Friends.
2. It takes a lot of determination to Stay Involved in a child's life.
3. If he prefers that they stay out of his life, that is All The More Reason that the parent must remain involved.
F. Generally, parents do not surrender their authority to a child Intentionally.
1. It is often Easier To Yield to a child's unrelenting pressure than to fight it one more time.
2. The anti-social child also has an uncanny sense of how to Prey Upon Any Uncertainty in the Mother or Father.
G. If the parents of an anti-social youth permits him to drop out of one thing (because he does not like it) --- a Precedent Is Set.
1. Children need to know What Is Expected of them and What The Consequences will be ...
2. It requires considerable Psychological Backbone to say no and impose consequences for irresponsible behavior.
H. Some parents prefer to Give Their Child Room to explore his world and Learn By Trial And Error.
1. However, this type of child does Not Benefit From His Mistakes because to him they are not mistakes.
2. Besides, later he will have No Self-Discipline.
I. Keep in mind:
1. You must Start Early,
2. Being firm does Not call for being Less Loving,
3. It certainly does Not call for Harshness or Abuse.
J. Life Holds Consequences for irresponsible and destructive behavior.
What could be more loving than to help a child learn this early, when penalties for misbehavior are far less severe than they will be later in life?
III. Demand Accountability And Trustworthiness.
A. Most parents find it Difficult To Acknowledge that they Cannot Trust Their Own Children.
1. They are Reluctant to do that which is Most Important --- to become More Involved and Supervise More Closely nearly Everything their child does.
2. Many parents are more inclined to Distrust Themselves or Each Other rather than believe that they cannot trust their son or daughter.
3. Denial Is A Powerful Defense.
B. The Less A Child Has To Conceal, the More Accountable for his behavior He Is Willing To Be.
1. The More Truthfully a person accounts for himself and his activities --- the More He Merits The Trust of Others.
2. It is true that Parents Must Have Trust in their children.
a. However, Trust Is Not A One-Way Street.
b. The child Must Prove Himself Trustworthy.
C. The anti-social youth is a Master At Offering Excuses that sound convincing to parents, teachers, and others.
1. His being a Victim of Circumstance, sounds plausible but it has Little or Nothing to do With The Truth.
2. Often Parents Will Believe an explanation that they would find Totally Incredible coming from someone Other Than Their Own offspring.
D. They need to learn that part of maturing is Taking Responsibility For One's Own Actions without constantly accusing others and portraying oneself as the victim.
E. Some Parents, Themselves, even attribute their child's misconduct to Outside Circumstances.
1. Focusing on Negative Influences external to the child is Harmful.
a. It provides the child with More Excuses for his irresponsibility.
b. It Reinforces his belief that he does Not Have To Account To Anyone for his decisions.
2. One Father explained that his daughter would take school seriously if it weren't for the Weak Work Ethic of her generation.
3. Some will often ascribe their child's behavior to a Traumatic Event.
a. One father refused to discipline his son because he was firmly convinced that he was still suffering from the Trauma of The Family Breakup.
b. He seemed to attribute all his son's difficulties to the marital breakup --- he was Paralyzed By Guilt.
F. What about "Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?"
1. Many children who are anti-social have been MIS-Diagnosed as Hyperactive.
2. The American Psychiatric Association list, among others, the following features of the "Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder":
a. Difficulty Sustaining Attention in Tasks or Play activities.
b. Engaging in physically Dangerous Activities without considering possible Consequences.
(not for the purpose of thrill seeking).
3. On the other hand, the Anti-Social Child:
a. Is Able To Concentrate for Long Periods on whatever Interest Him --- but he balks at virtually any task that he finds Disagreeable.
b. He deliberately seeks out "dangerous activities" because he craves excitement for its own sake.
4. Some kids, who seem Listless and Fatigued to the point that he would fall asleep in class, even during tests --- have the energy to:
a. Bag groceries at a store,
b. Watch hours of television,
c. Cruise around in cars until late at night drinking beer with his friends.
G. However, some children Are afflicted with Disabilities that hamper them in their academic and social functioning, but they do Not Become Anti-Social.
1. They Struggle To Overcome Their Limitations, Rather Than Use Them As An Excuse for not trying.
2. Patterns of anti-social behavior usually are Outgrowths of Character Formation, Not products of a Specific Situation (disadvantages).
H. The anti-social child is a pro at convincing intelligent, sophisticated, compassionate adults that he is a Victim of Unfair Treatment.
1. Experts have cited a Causal Connection between Child Abused and later Criminal Behavior.
a. By No Means Do All Children Who Are Abused Become Anti-Social.
b. Many Abused Children grow up to be Responsible Adults who are good parents.
2. The anti-social child Constantly Complains of Being Bored.
a. Professionals have thought that providing more Recreational Facilities or Clubs will stem the rising tide of delinquency.
b. However, in one survey, over a period of Ten Years, Most of the delinquents interviewed had Abundant Recreational Opportunities.
I. Many children Demand To Be Trusted --- but ignores the fact that Trust Must Be Earned.
1. The Solution --- The parent must forthrightly tell the youngster that He Has Destroyed Whatever Trust Existed.
2. The parent must Review The List of Incidents that have eradicated the trust --- and Not Allow The Child To Pick Apart And Dispute Each One.
3. The parent must tell the child that he will have to Prove By His Behavior that he Deserves To Be Trusted again.
4. The child must Be Restricted (grounded) and will have to Earn The Easing of Those Restrictions over time.
J. Remember, Children are skillful manipulators --- their motivation for complying with parental expectations may be sinister but hidden.
1. Some children will modify their behavior solely to wrest concessions from a parent.
2. Though appearing accountable and trustworthy, he has only become more Clever At Concealing His Real Motives.
K. How can a parent Encourage and help his child to change?
1. Express Recognition and Appreciation freely for the desired behavior.
2. Emphasize how the New Behavior Differs from the old pattern.
3. Take a "Time Will Tell" approach --- don't be too hasty in lifting a restriction or restoring a privilege.
L. Be Open, but be Attentive --- if the parents Cease to hold a child accountable --- it Erodes Their Authority and Credibility with their Other children.
IV. Do Not Allow The Child To Divide And Conquer.
A. In even the most harmonious families, it's Not Unusual For Parents To Differ in their perception and interpretation of a child's behavior --- Therefore:
1. When one parent says no, a determined child may Appeal To The Other --- whom he regards as a soft touch.
2. If a child does something wrong, he may Confess To The Parent Who He Thinks Will Be Easier On Him before he is found out by the other.
3. A child will request something from one parent, knowing full well he would be turned down by the other.
4. The child avoids the parent who know him best and whom he regards as stricter.
B. Parents Should Never argue or show disagreement about how to raise their child --- In Front of The Child.
1. Many times, Parental Strife will Overshadow the misbehavior of the child.
2. Each parent should Support the other.
3. You are to be a Team --- not Competitors.
C. If you don't learn anything else --- Learn This:
1. Many parents Compete with each other to see who can be the "Best Friend" to their child --- and even try to get the child to "Love Them Best" over the other parent.
2. God did Not Call you to be a "Friend" or "Buddy" to your child --- He Call You To Be A "Parent".
D. The "Divide-And-Conquer" approach gives the anti-social child a Sense of Power and of Being In Control.
V. Don't Blame Yourself.
A. Most of us engage in child rearing with considerable apprehension.
1. Recognizing Our Mistakes with the first child provides a powerful incentive not to repeat them --- instead, we make a New Set of Mistakes with the next child.
2. Or, We're Baffled to discover that what was done for one child who seems happy and productive hasn't worked at all for another.
B. At a very early age, some children become remarkably adept at heightening his parent's fears that they are not doing the right thing --- that they are not being good parents.
1. By Playing Upon His Mother's or Father's Guilt, he convinces the parent to let him off the hook.
2. This is --- "Psychological Blackmail."
C. Bailing A Child Out of a jam that he has gotten himself into is a frequent practice of Guilt-Ridden Parent.
1. However, it teaches the anti-social child the Wrong Lesson...
2. By Not Experiencing The Consequences of his actions, he doesn't learn valuable lessons for the future.
D. If your child has problems --- you Will Be faulted for your child-rearing practices.
1. If you were Strict --- you will be told that your child has been affected by your Harshness.
2. If you were Permissive --- you will be accused of being too Indulgent.
3. If you were relatively Democratic --- you might be considered Wishy-Washy or Indifferent or even Inconsistent.
E. You even fear talking to Your Own Parents about their grandchild --- certain that they too will be Judgmental and Blame You for the youngster's problems.
F. Scientists now know for sure what parents had only suspected:
1. Each baby is born with a temperament Unlike That of Any Other .....
2. A baby comes into the world with a Distinct Personality, ready to respond in his or her Individual Way to parents and to the environment.
G. Many human beings have turned out well Despite Their Parents --- Not Because of Them.
H. Likewise, a parent can be Loving, Nurturing, Responsible, Emotionally Stable, Sensitive, Consistent and possess all the Good Qualities --- And still Not be Able To Guarantee that their child will turn out as they hoped.
I. We can love, teach, encourage, restrain, praise, and correct --- but We Cannot Make Choices For Our Children.
A Search For The Truth
