1. Victim Stance

"He started it."
"I couldn't help it."
"He didn't give me a chance."

In general --- attempts to blame others.

Accept no excuses --- bring the focus back to the individual.

2. "I Can't" Attitude

A statement of inability which is really a statement of refusal.

Realize that "I can't" means "I won't" and usually has reference to doing that which he doesn't feel like doing.

Don't accept this.

3. Lack of A Concept of Injury To Others

Does not stop to think how his actions harm others (except physically) --- no concept of hurting others' feelings, emotional anguish.

Point out how he is injuring others;

Ask him how he would like to be treated this way?

4. Failure To Put Himself In The Place of Others

Little or no empathy unless it is to con someone.

Does not consider the impact of his behavior on others.

Give him examples of how you do this with him.

5. Lack of Effort

Unwilling to do anything which he finds boring or disagreeable.

Effort = doing what he/she doesn't want to do and sometimes not doing what you want to do.

Must have consequences if no effort exerted.

Point out he has plenty of energy for that which he wants to do.

6. Refusal To Accept Obligation

Says he "forgot".
Does not see something as an obligation to begin with.
Does that which he wants and ignores the obligation.

Point out that he remembers that which he wants.

Point out consequences for not attending to obligations.

Ask him how he'd feel if you (the parent) didn't feel obliged to feed him or do other things.

7. Attitude of Ownership

"If you don't give it to me, I'll take it".
Expecting you to do what he wants.
Treating others' property as though it were already his (thefts, "borrowing" without permission).
Demands of you as though he is asserting his rights.

Clear consequences for theft, borrowing without permission.

Reverse the circumstances and ask him how he'd like it if you did specific things (made extraordinary claims on him).

8. No Concept of "Trust"

He blames you for not trusting him --- tries to make you feel as though it is your fault.
Says that he can't trust you.

Point out why you don't trust him --- he has betrayed your trust.

Never let his betrayal of your trust go unnoticed.

Insist that trust must be earned.

9. Unrealistic Expectations

Because he thinks something will happen, it must happen (thinking it makes it so).
He expects others to fall into line and accommodate his wishes, whims.

Try to get him to spell out what he expects.

Point out that he is expecting too much if that is so.

Point out what might in fact happen.

Help him prepare himself for disappointment.

10. Irresponsible Decision Making

Makes assumptions.
Does not find facts.
Does not suspend judgement.
Blames others when things go wrong.

Help him find the facts.

Help him examine his assumptions.

Teach him that sometimes a decision cannot be made immediately.

Decisions may not work out as planned.

11. Pride

Refuses to back down even on little points.
Insists on his point of view to the exclusion of all others.
Even when proved wrong, clings to his initial position.

Show by example that we all make mistakes and that it is important to learn from them.

Indicate to the person that you made a mistake or were wrong when this happens.

12. Failure To Plan Ahead or Think Long Range.

Future is not considered unless it is to accomplish something illicit or else a fantasy of tremendous success.

Help him think ahead at every step.

Point out how thinking ahead could have avoided an unpleasant situation.

13. A Flawed Definition of Success And Failure

Success = being # 1 overnight.
Failure = being anything less than # 1 and then considering himself a "zero".

Help him see things in stages.

Point out again and again that one learns from mistakes; use examples that are current in his and your life.

14. Fear of Being Putdown

Putdown = when even the smallest things don't go his way.
Does not take criticism without flaring up, blaming others.
Put down when unrealistic expectations are not met.

Criticism is something that we learn from if it is merited.

If criticism has no merit, ignore it.

Show him that his expectations were in error to begin with.

15. Refusal To Acknowledge Fear

Denies being afraid.

Sees fear as weakness.
Fails to realize that fear can be constructive.
(Only neurotic fear is undesirable)

The best you can do is to reassure him about some fears, help him examine others.

The strong person knows his fears and tries to overcome them.

Fear is valuable - e.g., fear of a ticket keeps us from speeding.

e.g., fear of failure keeps us on our toes to make a good effort.

16. Anger

Anger is used to try to control people.
Anger may take the form of direct threat, intimidation, assault, sarcasm, annoyance.
Anger may go underground ("I don't get mad, I get even")
Anger is like a tumor; it grows and spreads; anyone or anything maybe a target.

Realize that anger is produced by fear.

e.g., Fear that something won't turn out as he expects.

e.g., Fear of a putdown.

e.g., Basically fear of anyone not meeting his expectations.

When you help him be more realistic about the world (i.e., in his expectations of self and others), there will be less occasion for anger.

17. Power Tactics

Attempt to overcome you in any struggle.
Enjoys fighting for power for its own sake (the issue may be secondary).
A "high" for him is in overcoming and dominating people.

Call attention to his every attempt to use power over others e.g., "I don't like your trying to manipulate me".

Show how he is trying to manipulate you.

Show him that you are "on" to him.

Help differentiate power that is legitimate through achievement vs. his struggle just to emerge as "top dog".